Pizza Bagels

At the Milano Market on 113th Street, I can get 3 bagels for $1. Last week, as part of the new D'Ag Awards Card Program, the shithole grocery store in my neighborhood was selling jars of Classico Marinara Sauce for $2. At the deli around the corner, a half-pound (about 12 slices) of decent Provolone goes for $2.50. When all these combine together, they result in a tasty lunch that costs me about 50 cents. Unfortunately, I toasted them too long today.

I have switched shampoos to Pert Plus.

And to put to rest a great debate, the Kids News episode of the Simpsons was the greatest episode of all times (to use Cassius Clay's vernacular...), barely edging out Deep Space Homer. By the time Kids News aired , the writers of the show had realized that sticking to one plot line throughout the thirty minutes limited the number of funny moments you could fit into one show. These days, each Simpsons episode has at least two, sometimes three distinct plot lines running through it. Although it is arguable that limiting the face time alloted to each character has lessened the appeal of each character, I believe that the split story can work- at least when used in moderation. Indeed, although a majority of the most memorable episodes- Monorail, Burns' Casino, I Choo-Choo-Choose You, Homer Goes to College- follow the one story scheme, this does not necessarily mean that the two-story scheme is doomed to failure. Instead, one can point to the lack of good writers writing in that medium as the culprit. The poor product does not necessarily indict inherent flaws in the form.

As an example, the Red Sox of two seasons ago headed into the season with a bullpen by commitee made up of Alan Embree, Chad Fox, Ramiro Mendoza, Mike Timlin and some douchebag that I can't remember. There was not one legitimate closer amongst them, not even a legit 8th inning guy, and yet when they got lit up, people blamed the bullpen-by-committee idea instead of the complete lack of good pitching. Again, people engaged in fallacious logic by criticizing the idea, when it was in fact the implementors that were at fault.

Which brings me finally back around to Kid's News. For those who don't remember, this episode followed two distinct plots
a) Homer buys a helper monkey to help him steal donuts and to do chores around the house. The monkey is named Mojo
b) Bart and Lisa join a kid's news television show, where Bart picks up some journalistic shysteristic tricks from Kent Brockman. This leads to the following report:

Joe Banks, eighty-two years young, has come to this pond every day for the past seventeen years, to feed the ducks. But last month, Joemade a discovery. The ducks...were gone. Some say the ducks wentto Canada. Others say, Toronto. And some people think, that Joe used to sit down there, [camera moves to another nearby pond] near those ducks. But it could be, that there's just no room in thismodern world, for an old man...and his ducks.

I can't go on any longer about this episode, as I am exhausted now, butif you want to read the text, it's here. But I will leave you with this passage, which I think is the funniest part of any Simpson's Episode, ever, followed closely by the time when Sideshow Bob performs the entire score of the HMS Pinafore, and Homer's Planet of the Ape's Speech in Deep Space Homer. Hail to the Chef, indeed.

"TV Announcer: The new, improved Kidz Newz...has been canceled! Stay tuned for the Mattel and Mars Bar Quick Energy Choc-O-Bot Hour!-- Okay, nothing but Choc-O-Bots can stop us, "Girly Edition"% The program begins. The Choc-O-Bots are at their command center.Choc-O-Bot: You can count on us, Mr. President. Major Nougat! Gooey! Cocoa! Put down those entertaining Mattel products! Colonel Kataffy is up to his old tricks! Cocoa: Let's power up!"

Gambling wins for the day: $11.25